I had honestly forgotten about this log. Completely. I think for good reason.

Nothing in my life is as it was at last writing. Except for my son. And that's as static as always. I don't understand him. I can't get to him. I can't even talk to him it seems. And all I want to do is take him in my arms like I didn't get to do all the years he was away, and tell him how wonderful he is, how handsome, how smart, how much I love him.

It is very much like watching my son through glass. And it hurts.

My job is...evolving. So much has happened in the last eleven months in the city, I wouldn't dare try to list them. But where we've ended up is back under Damian's rule, this time he calls himself 'Patriarch'. Some Japanese kook, in all their wisdom, declared Midian a country. !!! I suppose I could blame karma for this. How many times under Silua Mills' administration I said 'I'd rather have Damian back', I couldn't say. And there he is. And she's still there as well. Regent, she calls herself. All this came on the tails of the MPD leaving the MPD. Thirty of us walked out on December 3rd. Left and came together to form a new group, the Judges. I don't really know how to organize my thoughts on the Judges yet...but without a doubt, the one thing I know is that this is an amazing, extraordinary group of people, hybrids, mechs...who have the heart and integrity to carry this insane endeavor as far as it'll go. I love them. I admire them. I couldn't do this without them.

Dia is...gone. I don't think I can bring myself to write the details of his death. I'll never forgive myself for destroying one of God's truly magnificent creations. Dia was a man of deep faith, deep passion, and pure amazing. I will never get over losing him, as long as I live. And then, to lose Ayele not a month later was...indescribable. I can't continue writing about this now.

I do have love in my life again. The entire situation for me is so surreal...what he is, who he is, who his family is. But I do love him. He is my companion, my friend. And he seems to understand I can't always be there, emotionally or physically. That's the best thing anyone can do for me.

Ah duty calls. Whatever this new duty is.

Where We End Up (IC)

It's been an incredibly long time since I messed with this log. I wondered at first if that was a good thing or not. Now I think it...really doesn't matter.

How I am still alive is beyond me. Somedays I think that is a blessing, but the vast majority of the time I believe my life to now be a curse. Perhaps I can think that way because I know now what lies ahead for me. What I am moving toward, and where I will be when I leave Midian, and ultimately, this life.

When I met Dia, he registered on my radar as unique, handsome, powerful, and very dark in a quiet sort of way. There is a wisdom in his eyes that most men only achieve after great pain, great loss, and the experience of learning a lot of things the hard way. Sometimes, that is the only way. Still, I hadn't ever considered him a major part of my life, especially after martial law was declared in my suspension from work. He all but disappeared, at least for me, from the city for a long time, and so when we ran into each other one day on the mainland, it was not only a surprise, but the more surprising part was how pleasant a surprise it was.

The loveliest of romances might have ensued, but my own weakness, my own dependence on painkillers and the subsequent withdrawal when I was forced to give them up, thrust Dia into my life, and me into his, in an unexpected, ugly way. The fact that we've risen from the ashes of those first weeks into this joining of souls that we now share is all the proof I need that I am meant to be his, for this life and the next.

I cannot even bring myself to write about my recent imprisonment. I don't know if I ever will. But what it has left me with is my constant battle with myself. This city no longer has a police chief who gives a damn about anything other than herself, her family, and her officers...to a degree. But the battle does not come from guilt or remorse over that fact. Only from sadness and guilt that there is no guilt or remorse. I'll keep the MPD coffers full. I'll see that GloboSec sees what they want to see. I'll consider stopping a rape or a murder if I feel like it. But I'll also look the other way when one of the brave souls who dares wear the badge of my force does something less than savory. I'll bribe. I'll cheat. I'll steal. And fuck the rest. Enough of my life has been dedicated to this festering cesspool I live in. Enough.

Another Chapter Begins (IC)

I'm posting this entry from the duty desk at the PD. What was the office I shared with Anna and Kaya is currently being rebuilt from the rubble and debris that remained after the corner of the station was blown up last week.

Anna nearly died. No, Anna DID die. Twice. In some miracle, she's alive, though she has lost her left leg below the knee. Lisa Feng was hurt as well, and I haven't heard from her since. I sent notes, but haven't gotten any reply, so my hope is that she's home recovering.

Anna is almost positive that Globosec will be reassigning her as soon as they decide what to do with her or she recovers. She's positive she'll be losing her command of the Midian PD, so before she lost the power to do so, she appointed me Chief.

Midian Police Chief. Never in a million years could you have convinced me that this is what I'd be doing at this stage in my life. But here I am, and with the Chief's parting words, I'm taking care of these boys and girls. I sure wish though that the circumstances around this promotion could be happier.

I can do this job. I'll take it, make it my own. I just pray for the knowledge and strength to guide my officers every day, to the best of my abilities.

In equally comfortable news, the wedding is 8 days away. I'm ready. I think.

What's the fucking point? (IC)

There are those days in this city when you almost have a renewed sense of humanity. Almost.

Then there are days like today.

Days when no matter how hard you try, nothing that goes on inside or out of your mind makes any sense. Days when you realize that turning the gun on yourself would be far easier than keeping it aimed at the enemy. But for some godforsaken reason, you don't.

Last night, my worst nightmare struck from the shadows and nearly got his revenge. Careless, stupid me...when will I finally learn to watch the darkness closest of all? That Ventrue bastard is back again. When Geroff disappeared again, and things were quiet, I was fairly certain he was gone too. Oh foolish Al. Maybe the pain burning across your back and ribs, the throbbing ache in your head and the bite on your neck will linger in your memory this time and keep you from getting yourself killed.

Or worse, getting an officer killed. Thank all that is decent and holy for Jazon. If he hadn't been around...I wouldn't be writing this. As it is, I look and feel as if I've been hit by a freight train, and Jaz took one in the gut. To make it all worse, Roaman can't understand why I didn't want to tell him. That asshole threatened him, used my love for Ro against me. I put a call through to Dea to let her know Roaman was sending security for Alex. And I so believed that sending him away was the safest, best decision for his life.

Now...on the plus...the UV rounds that Sergeant McMillan produced are amazing. And the look on that Ventrue face when a couple of them exploded on the wall was almost worth the boot to the head I took. Almost. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or bad...him out there knowing what we're carrying now. One shot...ONE shot...this'll all be over. And at this point, I don't care who gets that shot.

Waking up and putting on that uniform this morning was something akin to torture. Much like the rest of the day that followed. I'm literally eaten alive inside by Cadet Ziarkower. I liked him, I trusted him, I believed him. He is now a fugitive, dangerous and violent, after attacking more than one person and raping another. To make it all ten times worse, I have every reason to believe that he is someone's ghoul. Maybe ol' Zack'll be the first personal recipient of those beautiful blue bullets.

I walk into the station this afternoon to find Nic in a physical fight with someone impersonating an MPD officer. Gunplay ensued, and Nic managed to get a flashbang in this fucker's pocket before he left. It detonated on main street near the sushi bar. My...god...

For the positives today, Syke is coming back. I'm reorganizing the academy. And Mirit Nitely is cured of whatever that virus was. She said something curious to me today...about taking care of myself because Markko would be devestated if something happened to me. Why doesn't the world understand that if I'm to marry Roaman, I don't want to hear these things anymore?

If I'm to marry Roaman...

He has to learn who he's dealing with. I dont' need his protection, I don't need his guns. And what's more, if he gets himself killed exacting revenge on my behalf...God help him.

My body hurts. I don't take an asskicking like I did 20 years ago. My mind is awash with everything I could be doing if I wasn't doing this.

But then, if I wasn't doing this, all those other things wouldn't matter a bit.

Come out, Zack. We have things to discuss.
Come out, Hookum. We're waiting.

A sparkling addition to my attire (IC)

I'm sitting at my computer, thoroughly ignoring the gunshots I heard ten minutes ago. I'm looking at my left hand and staring at the ring Roaman slipped onto my hand a few days ago. I almost can't believe I'm getting married again. It seems to have moved so quickly, but let's be honest, with my line of work, who has time to waste? I think we'll be holding the ceremony in Italy. Safer than bringing Alexandr here, and I want him to be there when I wed. The WHEN is still the big question. Something about him...that Roaman...makes me want to wait...something still unknown about him.

Three bodies in the last week. Gruesome, at that. Not that any body is fun to find, but the last few...there's someone or something on the loose that I really don't want to end up facing on my own. Had a bit of a political run in with the park. Came out on top, of course. And got one more reason not to like Odina Darkstone. So, that was a good day.

Missing officer. Again. No one's seen Joss in weeks, and her brother is in town looking for her. Another officer with a hit on her. Seems my next few weeks will be spent on internal affairs.

Ah there's my radio. Guess I can't ignore those gunshots after all.

A Teasing Return to Normalcy? (IC)

The house is done! I put the finishing touches on it this weekend, and it's done. It's bittersweet...almost makes one believe the war never happened. Find a spot of land that still has some life in it, plant some trees, build a house... It's close. Of course the security system, dogs, and wrought iron gates are a harsh reminder of the times, but it sure as hell beats living in that mold-ridden apartment in Apoc. Now I can't wait for Alex to visit...

Work has slowed...Geroff and Khailis ((evil K)) have disappeared again. I can't say much more about SID, but it looks like we'll be very busy again now with a very tough customer. It's actually pretty good timing for me, otherwise I'd be far too wrapped up in Roaman for my own good.

Oh, Roaman...I don't think I've mentioned him yet. So...I met someone on my most recent trip to Italy. Ok, so it wasn't random. I should have known Dea was up to something. I love her though...how could I not? I'll have to write more about him later, but for now I'll just say that I feel like I'm home at last. He's been living in various flats around the world since the war, and he's giving most of them up and moving in with me. It just made sense...he hasn't had a primary home since the war, so we both feel solid at last. I think he'd like for me to leave Midian altogether, but it's not an option. My work is too important to me. Maybe someday...

My coffee pot has stopped dripping, my uniform is waiting for me to fill it. More soon...

It's Quiet Again (IC)

While my caseload builds and works gets busy again, my personal life is once again quiet. Peaceful, in the sense that I finally know the whereabouts of all those I love. Markko is here in town, quietly doing whatever it is he does. Khailis has been back for some time, thankfully, seemingly in good health, despite not remembering anything that happened to him. Even Raive, who most days I want to give a swift kick in the ass, is back, and seems to be healthy.

Raive...boy...I'm not really sure what happened there. All I know is when his actions almost got Khail killed, I was done for good. I knew there was no way I could accept his proposal, but seeing a fellow officer nearly die as a direct result of Raive's actions sealed it. What a horrible time that was...those sylphs... I'm not sure I'll ever recover fully from that attack. I'm taking fewer of the pills now though, so I suppose that's progress. The night we eliminated the artifact was awesome. The power of the thing vs. the will of the people of the city...it was a horrible, fantastic, amazing battle. I'm glad I was a part of it.

That was a tough night...the artifact, dealing with my own issues with the sylph attack, Khail reopening a recent wound, and of course Raive showing up. The unfortunate part is that he believes Khail is the reason I left him...the reason I couldn't marry him, but it's just not so. I certainly don't plan, however, to spend any extra energy trying to convince Raive of anything, so I guess he goes on thinking what he thinks. Doesn't really matter, it was doomed to fail eventually. He was just a lot of fun...safe...safe fun. I couldn't fall too far for him, so if he ever disappeared on me, I wouldn't fall apart like I have before. C'est la vie...it's done.

I'm at a crossroads now...L'ordean is dead. I no longer feel I need to stay on the island for my own safety. Five years of searching, he never found me, and now he's no longer a threat. I think about leaving, I've already given up my apartment and begun building a house back on the mainland. I think of going to Alexandr, bringing him to me, raising him on my own. But the I consider that he's been in a really good place his entire life, and he loves Dea and Leo. Would it be wrong to take him from that environment? That security?

And of course, all the rest of the people I care about are on the island. What life would it be if the people who I've come to trust and love weren't involved anymore? I can't imagine not seeing their faces anymore, not stealing a hug now and then, or popping in to check on them. Somehow the misery of this city has become worth it to look out for the people I love.

Then there's work...well, that'll be for another day. A new group of cadets awaits me tomorrow, and I feel a phone call to Alex coming on. Should be taking that call in the same room as his father...well...that's an entire other day as well.