I had honestly forgotten about this log. Completely. I think for good reason.

Nothing in my life is as it was at last writing. Except for my son. And that's as static as always. I don't understand him. I can't get to him. I can't even talk to him it seems. And all I want to do is take him in my arms like I didn't get to do all the years he was away, and tell him how wonderful he is, how handsome, how smart, how much I love him.

It is very much like watching my son through glass. And it hurts.

My job is...evolving. So much has happened in the last eleven months in the city, I wouldn't dare try to list them. But where we've ended up is back under Damian's rule, this time he calls himself 'Patriarch'. Some Japanese kook, in all their wisdom, declared Midian a country. !!! I suppose I could blame karma for this. How many times under Silua Mills' administration I said 'I'd rather have Damian back', I couldn't say. And there he is. And she's still there as well. Regent, she calls herself. All this came on the tails of the MPD leaving the MPD. Thirty of us walked out on December 3rd. Left and came together to form a new group, the Judges. I don't really know how to organize my thoughts on the Judges yet...but without a doubt, the one thing I know is that this is an amazing, extraordinary group of people, hybrids, mechs...who have the heart and integrity to carry this insane endeavor as far as it'll go. I love them. I admire them. I couldn't do this without them.

Dia is...gone. I don't think I can bring myself to write the details of his death. I'll never forgive myself for destroying one of God's truly magnificent creations. Dia was a man of deep faith, deep passion, and pure amazing. I will never get over losing him, as long as I live. And then, to lose Ayele not a month later was...indescribable. I can't continue writing about this now.

I do have love in my life again. The entire situation for me is so surreal...what he is, who he is, who his family is. But I do love him. He is my companion, my friend. And he seems to understand I can't always be there, emotionally or physically. That's the best thing anyone can do for me.

Ah duty calls. Whatever this new duty is.

Where We End Up (IC)

It's been an incredibly long time since I messed with this log. I wondered at first if that was a good thing or not. Now I think it...really doesn't matter.

How I am still alive is beyond me. Somedays I think that is a blessing, but the vast majority of the time I believe my life to now be a curse. Perhaps I can think that way because I know now what lies ahead for me. What I am moving toward, and where I will be when I leave Midian, and ultimately, this life.

When I met Dia, he registered on my radar as unique, handsome, powerful, and very dark in a quiet sort of way. There is a wisdom in his eyes that most men only achieve after great pain, great loss, and the experience of learning a lot of things the hard way. Sometimes, that is the only way. Still, I hadn't ever considered him a major part of my life, especially after martial law was declared in my suspension from work. He all but disappeared, at least for me, from the city for a long time, and so when we ran into each other one day on the mainland, it was not only a surprise, but the more surprising part was how pleasant a surprise it was.

The loveliest of romances might have ensued, but my own weakness, my own dependence on painkillers and the subsequent withdrawal when I was forced to give them up, thrust Dia into my life, and me into his, in an unexpected, ugly way. The fact that we've risen from the ashes of those first weeks into this joining of souls that we now share is all the proof I need that I am meant to be his, for this life and the next.

I cannot even bring myself to write about my recent imprisonment. I don't know if I ever will. But what it has left me with is my constant battle with myself. This city no longer has a police chief who gives a damn about anything other than herself, her family, and her officers...to a degree. But the battle does not come from guilt or remorse over that fact. Only from sadness and guilt that there is no guilt or remorse. I'll keep the MPD coffers full. I'll see that GloboSec sees what they want to see. I'll consider stopping a rape or a murder if I feel like it. But I'll also look the other way when one of the brave souls who dares wear the badge of my force does something less than savory. I'll bribe. I'll cheat. I'll steal. And fuck the rest. Enough of my life has been dedicated to this festering cesspool I live in. Enough.