Where We End Up (IC)

It's been an incredibly long time since I messed with this log. I wondered at first if that was a good thing or not. Now I think it...really doesn't matter.

How I am still alive is beyond me. Somedays I think that is a blessing, but the vast majority of the time I believe my life to now be a curse. Perhaps I can think that way because I know now what lies ahead for me. What I am moving toward, and where I will be when I leave Midian, and ultimately, this life.

When I met Dia, he registered on my radar as unique, handsome, powerful, and very dark in a quiet sort of way. There is a wisdom in his eyes that most men only achieve after great pain, great loss, and the experience of learning a lot of things the hard way. Sometimes, that is the only way. Still, I hadn't ever considered him a major part of my life, especially after martial law was declared in my suspension from work. He all but disappeared, at least for me, from the city for a long time, and so when we ran into each other one day on the mainland, it was not only a surprise, but the more surprising part was how pleasant a surprise it was.

The loveliest of romances might have ensued, but my own weakness, my own dependence on painkillers and the subsequent withdrawal when I was forced to give them up, thrust Dia into my life, and me into his, in an unexpected, ugly way. The fact that we've risen from the ashes of those first weeks into this joining of souls that we now share is all the proof I need that I am meant to be his, for this life and the next.

I cannot even bring myself to write about my recent imprisonment. I don't know if I ever will. But what it has left me with is my constant battle with myself. This city no longer has a police chief who gives a damn about anything other than herself, her family, and her officers...to a degree. But the battle does not come from guilt or remorse over that fact. Only from sadness and guilt that there is no guilt or remorse. I'll keep the MPD coffers full. I'll see that GloboSec sees what they want to see. I'll consider stopping a rape or a murder if I feel like it. But I'll also look the other way when one of the brave souls who dares wear the badge of my force does something less than savory. I'll bribe. I'll cheat. I'll steal. And fuck the rest. Enough of my life has been dedicated to this festering cesspool I live in. Enough.